A shoulder to lean on.

It is really late, but it I can’t get this out of my head so i was hoping writing it might help me. The expression a shoulder to lean on us usually just that. An expression that means you get help from someone. In this case i mean it literally. I wish I was a little kid again, sitting in my moms lap, head on her shoulder. I remember feeling likr it was the safest place in the world.

And then I got older. And my mom decided I didn’t need that shoulder any more and she gave it to my brother, literally this time,to try and help his succeed. And that is still what she does as I stand out here in the painful way I am supposed to make do with my existence in. Today, I came very close to hitting someone. She was in my face yelling at me. All I could do to try and hang on to control of my body was fig my hands into the metal railings as hard as I could. At that point, my brain was so haywire i barely made it out if the cafe and into the hall where I could slump against the wall in pain from my aching hands and trembling from the raw, terrifying emotion i had felt. That utter panic, that utter fear soon every morsel of my being scared me. It terrified me that I had such little control I had to use the pain and pressure if digging in my hands to stop my brain enough that I could even just see again. And in that moment, surrounded by those people all standing up for her and not even asking i was ok, I wasn’t, the fact that no one would reach out and tell me, it will be ok, The fact that no one would tell me they were there for me, that really hurt me. I get it. I get I act like I can do this alone, because i can and am doing it alone, but they don’t get I don’t WANT to do it alone.  I don’t want this pain and sorrow to be my burden to carry alone. But I also don’t want to burden others with it. I guess that is why, years ago, I decided that I was going to fight my own fights. I tried to convince myself it was because I didn’t want to burden people. But in truth?  I was scared.  I knew I couldn’t face rejection from people so I didn’t try. I knew that if I tried, and got rejected again, I mentally would not be able to do that. So I pushed everything and everyone away from me out of blind panic. And now, this year, when I finally stopped pushing it still didn’t matter because all that agony I feared came. But I am not angry I tried.  I am PROUD that i tried even if it only caused me waves of pain. And if I could take it back this year, I wouldn’t. I know this year has taught me a lot. And I know that learning always involves hardships but it hurts. So I close my eyes and my heart to block out them. In th painful, agonising world I live in I have learned to let myself live.

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