aspirations

I don’t have dreams, at least, not in the way you will think of.  At night when I sleep, I just sleep.  No dreaming involved.  However, during the day, I do dream.  During the day I will let myself daydream about anything and everything.   One thing I do is, I make stories in my head, stories that will last for a long time so I can keep going back to them over, and over, and over.  I…I use daydreaming to get myself away from my own brain when things aren’t going well.  In a sense, I use it like I use books, as a sort of portal to try and get away from whatever is going on around me because no matter how bad it is or how bad it will become, I can always get my head away from it if I try.  I can always find my way out of that, away from it and I am very very grateful to myself for that.

But I don’t try.   99% of the time when I know I should, I don’t try to get away because I don’t want to.  I don’t try to get away because, in a way, I always hope maybe they will understand that they are wrong.  Maybe, in a way, I hope by showing them, hey, this is who I am and I am proud of it, I am happy with it, that they would stop.  Now I know that that won’t ever happen.  They push me around because they know I will react.  They push re around because they like seeing the pain in my eyes, the…the terrified fear in me that they all see because it is there.  I am terrified to try and get close to people because I know I will just push them away and I…I’m so frightened of that.  Because when I am close to a person it’s because I reached out.  Not because they did.  So when they turn me away, or reject me, or push and shove and are cruel, it hurts so bad.  So I stopped trying because I thought…I guess I thought if I wasn’t close to anyone they couldn’t hurt me.  No, that isn’t the truth.

That’s what I spent too long telling myself.  The truth is this.  People I am close to get bullied just because they are my friends.  They get picked on to torment me.  And I know that and I know they might not blame me but…I do.  I blame myself for their pain because it is my fault.  So I close myself off.  And I don’t let people in because, if they lost something like I did, if they lost their freedom of being happy, I would suffer.  And I know some wouldn’t care.  I know some people would still want to help me.  But I can’t, and wont, be able to take it because to help me in our little world of school means being bullied and mocked so…so they might want to reach out a hand into this raging sea, but I can’t take it.  If I were to, I would feel their pain and I have enough pain. I’ve…I’ve caused enough pain. And, no matter how hard I try, I can’t open those doors I have sealed on my heart and my soul. Because I know.  I know I don’t truly try because I am not ready to face what I will see.  But I’m also terrified I never will be.  I am terrified I will never be able to let people in to see who I am because I am too scared of hurting them. And maybe…Maybe I don’t want them to see my pain.  Maybe I’m terrified if they saw how badly my soul is broken, they wouldn’t care.   They wouldn’t want me.

So I close my eyes, put my head in my hands, and I cry.  I cry for what I had and the fact I know I won’t ever get it back.  I know I can’t ever be the little kid playing with their friends, joking, having fun because my soul…my soul has been torn to a thousand pieces.  In the truest sense of the word child, I haven’t been a child for a very long time.   In the truest sense I grew up a long time ago.  In the truest sense I grew up when I had to learn how to take care of myself in school.  I had to learn how to defend myself.  And, slowly, I did.  It almost…became my trade.  And I learned it well.  Too well.  I learned it so well I reacted to everything and I can’t control it.  So now I am unlearning.  No, not that.  I am not unlearning how to defend myself.  I am learning how to hold that, how to use it and still be kind, how to use it and not be standoffish.  And it isn’t easy.  But I know that I have to take small steps, small tiny steps so I can, one day, not have to take steps towards that anymore.  So, one day, I can take steps towards something else, even if I don’t know what that something will be.  So I will hold my head up, and I will wait for the day when my heart and my soul can open, even a little bit, just to let a flicker of light in.  I used to think I needed that light because I had lost my hope.  I was praying that tiny flicker of light in my soul could give me that.  But I’d never lost it.  I never lost my hope even when it became buried and hidden, it was there when I looked for it and I am so, so glad it is.  Because right now I don’t get hope from other people I have to get it from myself.  Right now I am running on my own hope, as weak as it is, because I get it.  I will always hope for better days but right now I can live with these days.  Right now I can hold my head up and LIVE.  And I will.  And maybe, one day soon, I won’t be terrified to have people care.

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