My brother

I need to say this so please, please read it.

I love my brother.  I know I do simply because he is my brother.  But I don’t like him.  I don’t like who he has become as a person because the way he is now is, quite simply, terrifying.  When he gets mad, which is very often, he gets MAD.  He will yell and scream and hit stuff for hours.  With my asd, I really, really have an issue with loud noises.  My family doesn’t really know that, though.  They don’t see the pain in my eyes as he yells.  They don’t see me run to my room and, like a friend suggested, put in my headphones and turn it as loud as it goes to try to block him out.  They somehow miss my trembling hands when he is getting violent. And they somehow miss me digging my hands into each other to keep from crying. And I hate it because I know that they are too focused on my brother to manage to see me.  And when I do cry, they get mad.  They tell me I have no reason to cry and to stop.  They don’t see how much pain him screaming causes my head and my heart.

But that isn’t even the worst part.  I am…. god I cant even say it.  I am scared of my brother.  There.  That’s it.  I am physically scared for myself when he gets angry.  That is why I end up curled somewhere, crying and shaking.  That is why, if his yelling doesn’t have me shaking too bad, I run to my room and I cry.  I run to my room and I suffer.  That is why I press my head to my chest and try to drown out my pain trough the music.

Years ago, when we would fight it was physical.  Sometimes I started it, sometimes he did but it ALWAYS ended in pain for me.  It always ended in scratches up and down my arms.  But what really hurt then was that I got punished because he would always say I started it and they believed him.

Believe me, this was the hardest writing I have ever done.  I don’t want people to think my family doesn’t care because they do.  Its just, I am the more “normal” of us so to them, I am ok by myself.  I will write more on this later because I am already crying.  Gerva

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