Bravery

I am not brave.  I am not strong.  I try to be brave.  I try to keep my head up and my eyes up and not to be the small, weak, scared kid hunched in a corner…I can not do it.  I can not be brave.  I can not block them out.  I can not even look at them many days. But I try.  I try to keep my head and my eyes up and I try to make myself be strong there.  And sometimes….sometimes I am.  But then I make it home and I collapse my walls.  And I spend most evenings in agony.  I have been told so many times not to dwell on it, that its over.  But it isn’t because it doesn’t start until then.  It isn’t because until I get home I haven’t STARTED dealing with that pain because at school I lock it away until I am home and it is safe to be weak.  But it isn’t there.  I am not allowed to be weak there either.  I am not allowed to be in pain because then when, as usual, someone yells in my family.  So I curl up in a ball.  And I hide inside myself.  And I block my pain out.  I always have.  And I am so scared that I always will…that I will never be able to let myself be weak for a minute.  Some days I…I just want someone to hold onto me and not let me go.  I just want someone to tell me that I can be weak, that I am allowed to hurt and that that doesn’t make me less than people, that I’m going to be OK.  I don’t have that…I never have.  I have long since accepted that fact.  But sometimes…sometimes I want to be the little kid curled up in my moms lap with my head on her shoulder.  Sometimes I just want to be a little kid again.  Sometimes I want to close my eyes and be back  when I was at least a bit free, when at least some small part of me wasn’t in so much hurt so much of the time.  I tell myself every single day that I will be ok.  I curl up into a ball and hold myself when I am in pain and fighting to calm down.  But it isn’t the same as knowing someone actually cares.  It just isn’t.  Because how am I to know the whole world isn’t like this…how am I supposed to have faith that someday it might get better…that someday I might be able to rest.

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