sleep

I will never understand why everyone enjoys sleeping so much. I get up as early as humanly possible so I can enjoy my mornings and have some times alone. And every one else wants to sleep in. So, of course, more conflict. More yelling. More fighting. Nothing comes easy in my family not even something like this. But I do win. Every morning I get my time of peace. And they can’t take that away. They don’t see it the way I do and they refuse to try and see through my eyes.  They don’t try and see my pain because they don’t want to. They don’t want there to be pain there. They don’t want me to be angry. And I don’t WANT to be angry any more. It is tearing my heart into a hundred pieces, and leaving me to pick up the remains. It has a knife pointed at my soul. I guess…I guess I don’t like to sleep because it is another time I incompletely alone in my own head and I don’t like that. I dont want to be alone in my head anymore. There are days I will lie there for over an hour before I can find sleep because my brain is going too hard and too fast for me to be able to rest.  Other days, I’ll rest my head against my chest and close my eyes and wish I wasn’t so alone and wish I wasn’t curled up there crying because I have to hold in so much pain and so much fear to make it through every single day without going insane or lashing out.  And I can do it….usually.  But then I come home and…and I still have that pain on me and I don’t know how to not come home and feel that agony and suffer under its sharp blows.  I don’t know how to not go to sleep in pain every night because I am still suffering from that day.  People tell me to move on when the school day is over.  But I cant because I haven’t even begun to battle the pain that I am feeling from the day.  So if I could not sleep to avoid my own head, I would.  I always would.

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