I am broken. I am defeated. I am so so tired of fighting people. But I still refuse to give up. I still refuse to accept that things never seem to change because to accept that would basically be saying I deserve this. NO ONE deserves this. And I still refuse to not hold my head up and be proud. Because they haven’t beaten me.
There is a person in my grade. She’s spent two years tormenting me. She purposely sits near me so she can elbow me or kick me every time she walks by me. She shoves into my chair so I ram into my desk. She trips me. She says horrible things about me. She makes noise because she knows it makes it impossible for me to focus. And the teachers still wont listen when I ask for her not to sit near me. They still don’t get that she hurts me, mentally more then physically. They still just tell me to get along with her. They don’t see that I TRY. They don’t see that this is me trying, that I’ve spent two years trying.
Last week, a teacher punished me for talking to answer a question a friend of mine asked. Others were talking around me, but because they’re supposed to treat me like a “normal” student, I got punished. But no one else at my school gets punished. So by treating me like that they’re still treating me different it feels like.
My school makes me go to this social group where they are currently discussing how to enter and exit a conversation. Now, I am not even pretending to be good at conversations. But that makes me feel stupid. I am not an idiot. I am not…not too messed up to be able to do that and the fact they don’t seem to think I can…it hurts. Just because I have asd they think I don’t know how to be human it feels like. I know how to have conversations, its just in the moment my brain tenses up on me. It frustrates me more than it could EVER frustrate them. Them treating me like I do not know this makes me question what I think about myself and my future and that scares me.
Yesterday, someone in math class used the R word to describe something. It…I know they weren’t talking to or about me but it just frustrated me how ignorant people are. Because people do not understand that that word is used to hurt people. and that that word is used to say I cant do stuff. And when I asked her to please not say that again, she said she’d done nothing wrong and told me to stop. And that’s what made me upset because she really didn’t get how wrong that word is. Yesterday, people spent all afternoon calling me names, saying I was ugly and stupid and that I was mean. They spent all afternoon yelling so loud my head hurt and I couldn’t think. And the teacher did nothing. No matter what they did. When they yelled, she just told them please stop. And they never did. When people are loud….it’s like their loud voices fill my head and push the work I am trying to get done out of it. And I am listening to them now. As they snap at me and say they are going to hit me. They never do….but that doesn’t mean I am not in pain and that doesn’t mean I am not so beyond upset at how people treat me and others.