Anxious

It was memorial day yesterday.  My family had a picnic at our house on the lake, with the wind and the sun and fishing and whatever.  by family here I mean my entire extended family on my dad’s side, with four little cousins.  It was loud, and talkative, and just not good. I made it through the day, which for me is good…but then it all just collapsed.  Emotionally I was broken down and tired.  I went upstairs and collapsed on my bed, slumped against the wall in tears.  When I am so worn and exhausted and just beaten down, my guards on my brain to block a lot of bad memories out.  So when those go down…its just bad.  Painful.  I was forced to remember a million painful things that I did not want to see.  I spent hours in pain last night I spent hours curled sidewise I spent hours alone.  And I spent hours scared  to death of my own brain, scared of the pain and the fear and the anxiety it was putting me through.  I hate anxiety.  I hate the way it hits me all of a sudden when I am trying and fighting and working so hard to be happy but it just ruins it in a moment.  I hate how anxiety makes it so I can’t even think about the future past the next second or minute or hour or day.  Even that is a struggle sometimes because when I think about the future I have to think about that pain and my brain makes me think about the worst options the worst things that could happen.  When I am having a bad day, like I currently am, I hold in all that pain and block it out and try to not feel it.  And it works for a little while.  It works all day until I go up to my room and I collapse(mentally).  I just break down.  All that pain all that fear all those emotions hit me at once and its agony.  It is absolute agony.  It is that wave of raw, agonizing emotions that hit me so hard I can’t think, that hit me so hard and hurt me so bad that all I am able to do is lie there and ride it out, lie there and feel that agony.  Because I have no way to not suffer through it I have no way to not be in pain from it.  And I have no way to not be alone as I fight it.  I spent this whole weekend with my anxiety through the roof.  It was bad and painful and scary.  Because my brain goes to things and places I do not want, memories I fight to forget.  And it hurts.  And every time…I feel like I am failing because I cant even fight this, cant even beat my own head.  But I do beat it.  I beat it every day with every word I say to people with every time I defend myself with every time I open up even just a little bit.  I do win.  Maybe not the big things because I cant beat my anxiety and I cant beat my pain.  But I can beat the little things.  I can say that I will not be alone because that’s what my brain wants I can say I will not let them be cruel to me and not react I can say that I am fighting for a future.  And maybe I wont even win.  Maybe I wont ever beat it all. But it’s not beating me either

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