defense

I have a habit of defending people.  This, I’ve been told, is bad.  Apparently my defending people who others are being mean to is bad because I should just mind my own business and let them defend themselves.  Well…I know from experience that if you suffer for as long and as hard as I do and have and as so many other people do and have, having someone stick up for you is what we need not what we don’t.  But because when I stand up for people the others are worse and I get treated worse it is apparently wrong to stand up for people.  It is apparently wrong to not let someone who is alone not be alone.  I KNOW how it feels to be alone I feel that almost every single day and I also know that I wish that is not the case.  I have defended myself for a VERY long time…probably close to about six years now, and there have been so few times in there where I have had other people defend me or help me…it makes you the loneliest person on earth. It makes you feel abandoned and when you reach out for help and no one helps you…it just makes you feel like you’re completely alone. And that is the worst feeling in the world.  In elementary school, fifth grade, I was basically used to be hit and kicked and ridiculed for entertainment.  There was this one day at recess(which was absolute torture every single day) where they pinned me against the railing of the playground and where hitting me hard on my head and shoulders. I just curled up there and sobbed when they left.  One of them, a person who…who used to be my friend, turned back and looked at me and I read her eyes and her face.  I saw the words she didn’t bother to say.  I saw her face say, you aren’t important enough to help you aren’t as good as them you deserve this.  I saw her walk away.  When I went to the principles…he did nothing.  He didn’t even care.  That….that was the day when I stopped telling people what was happening to me.  That was when I locked all of this inside of me and let myself suffer because I didn’t have faith that anyone would bother to help me. Because I…I didn’t believe that I deserved them helping. That was three years ago.  I have spent all of this time alone.  All of it.  Because I have been too scared to open up to people, too scared to let them see that I really just need someone to help me, because then when people don’t end up helping me it just hurts even more.

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