People tell me to tell about my experiences they tell me to talk to people and to open up. You probably know…I am not very good at opening up. But when I hurt this bad when my head has been forcing my mind into pain into the past into horrible things…I don’t have a lot of opportunities to get out of it. So…hang with me on this ok. Please
There was this day in school. I was…I was maybe eleven years old, in fifth grade. We were at recess. This kid was hitting me in the head and chest HARD. There was a teacher maybe twenty feet away. She did nothing. When that person left I went inside to the bathroom, curled up in a ball, and sobbed.
Ok so this time in forth grade I was at recess and this person pinned me against the rail of the playground and their posse hit me and kicked me a with the teacher standing Maybe twenty feet Away. She did nothing. I went back to class and I was shaking. And I…i went to sit down and some one shoved me and I fell. And they laughed. Then I…when it was lunch I went to every table. No one would let me sit with them. This….this other day we had recess inside because it was raining. They were screaming at me and hit me multiple times. I ran and I cowered under a desk shaking. Not one of the two teachers there did anything. And one person made sure I was ok. ONE student who spent a lot of time bullying me came back over the teachers.
Then this….this other day me and my brother were joking around and I…I pushed him. And he started hitting me and scratching me. He pinned me down till I could barely breathe. I…I was scared to death. I went to my mom and he lied and said I’d started it and he was kidding when I was bleeding from scratches on one of my arms and my legs. This happened so many times….
Then this…this other time I was with a friend. He kept chasing us and scratching us and hitting us. He called us names and yelled. And my mom….she said to ignore him. When he was hitting us.
This…this last time at school I was just sitting there and they came up behind me and were beating my head and shoulders with their fists and kicking me. I ended up on the ground shaking so freaking bad I could barely breathe. And No one cared that I was curled up there shaking. No one. I went inside and I was trembling and scared. And the principle didn’t care the guidance person didn’t no one did
This is how I see my pain sometimes. So if you don’t know in Greek myths atlas was this titan. After the war his punishment was to hold up the sky, the literal sky, forever. This massive weight on his shoulders. It feels like that with my anxiety from pain from the past, like it’s this huge weight that if I move wrong it will crush me. It’s like atlas begging people to take that weight of the sky off of him. I WANT people to help me hold that weight. But people don’t. So I carry on carrying it alone like he held the sky
So…Yeah. not had the least torturous life so far. At least….it can’t get much worse. I hope