Water Balloons (Dont ask)

Have you ever wanted something, really wanted something, that seems like it should be the easiest thing in the world to have but it’s not?  I know what that is like.  I have felt it.  All I want right now is peace.  All I want right now is to not suffer and not have to fight every day, every moment.  For some reason this has become a lot harder recently then it has been for a long time.  While people have been mean to me for years with no breaks, it had been better in sixth and seventh grade.  However, this year it has gotten much, much worse again.  This year has been worse when I can’t walk in the halls without people being mean.  It has been worse when I stop at the doors every morning and close my eyes and force myself to enter the building, when I have to tell my brain a hundred times a day we are fine, we are safe, they aren’t going to hurt us.  And even then my anxiety is there every moment in the back of my head, telling me we aren’t fine we aren’t safe we are going to suffer they are going to hurt us.  I fight my heart out every single day to make myself go to that school.  To make myself hold my head up and make myself try.  And it’s not fun and it’s not easy and I typically fail at everything.  But I keep moving I keep walking down this stupid path every single day.  Because they are not going to beat me.  They are not going to make me fail.

Some people say anxiety feels like a constant weight in your brain.  I disagree with that way of explaining it.  It is this constant thought, yes, but its the way your brain throws it at you.  Think of it like a water balloon fight almost.  You hide behind a wall.  Eventually, though, you step out from behind where you are hiding and are bombarded by hundred of balloons all at once.  Bombarded over and over and over.  And, eventually you make it back behind that shelter.  And you’re not being barraged.  But the memories of that is still there in your head, making you remember it over and over.  And the knowledge that if you step out of there again, you’re going to be barraged again, that will hurt you.  That will scare you.  And if it happens enough, that will scar you.

That is what my anxiety feels like to me.  When it hits me like those water balloons it is this powerful, crippling force that will leave me curled up shaking. It is the force that will keep me up and night sobbing.  It is the force that makes me close my eyes and fight every day. And even when it is not bombarding me.  I can feel it there, Hovering, in the back of my head like a whisper. I can feel its presence and I know that it is there.  So even when I am not being hit by it, in a sense, I am.  Because I am being terrified by the knowledge some day, usually soon, it will throw me against the ground again.

People say it is impressive that I go to school every day.  I say it is testimony to how badly we are seen and how we are looked at.  It is seen that a person who is bullied or a person who suffers sometimes will not want to go to school or learn.  This is the most ignorant thing in the world.  I go there, every day, because I want to learn.  Despite everything, I want to learn I want to fight I want to be successful and I know the price for that right now.  So it’s not impressive, it’s not good, it’s not amazing.  Its normal.

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