Talk

Alright.  So if you don’t know, I have a bit of a horrible fear of talking.  This generally turns into me having issues with actually managing to talk to teachers about what people are doing.  I also have issues with this because making me recount what happened makes me remember it, which sets my anxiety off, which is a bit of an issue for me.  This weekend my anxiety was really bad.  When I say really bad, I mean I ended up curled in a ball shaking and sobbing for hours this weekend.  I am truly and honestly exhausted.  Last Friday, a person was yelling at me swearing at me and poked me hard (I despise being touched from behind like that). In the past, this person has swore at me threatened me and taunted me repeatedly on my having asd.  Last Friday (Before I spent a weekend in agony and ended up almost too tired to drag myself out of my room today) I finally got the courage to tell them what she always does to me thanks to a few very supportive people (Thank you guys).  Anyway, today I had to tell them what happened. I couldn’t.  So I didn’t say it.  I wrote it.  And I…I could do it.  I could tell them.  It was the most empowering feeling in the world to be able to do something that I try so hard and usually fail so badly to do.  So yeah I am tired.  Yeah I am broken down and beaten and worn.  Yeah, I wish the end of the year was here I wish I was out of here.  But I can also put my head up now.  I can tell myself I am not letting them do this to me anymore.  And I can tell them I refuse to suffer at their hands.  And yeah, in three days i’ll never see them again.  But other people will. Other people will feel their hands, will hear their harsh words, their sharp way of making everyone hurt.  I don’t want anyone to have to suffer like that.  NO ONE deserves it. No one.

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