head

Yeah…It’s been too long since I wrote. Sorry! just…You guys try writing on five and a half hours of sleep a night (more on that to come)  and while on “vacation.” Though mentally, I could’ve used some writing. So he are it is. Oh, and it’s not really vacation…vacation is relaxing this has far too much yelling. Every little thing has had my family fighting from sleeping arrangements to what  we are going to do to what’s for dinner. I’m not going to lie: it is utterly exhausting right now. It has been draining me so bad. All week. I have ended up crying my eyes out in various corners about five times. So in short, I’m exhausted. Today, my mom and my brother and my dad were all yelling about who knows what. It was loud enough that I couldn’t block it out with my headphones being on. So…it was too loud. Way too loud. Anyway he wanted to be in the room I was in. So after like ten-twenty minutes of him yelling and being a lunatic to try and get his way, they GAVE HIM his way. They gave him what he wanted. And yeah I’d made a deal that half way through the week we could swap. But he was screaming and yelling and just being insane. And as usual he got his way. I just…I found that insane. And then I remembered this is my family. In the end he will always get what he wants. In the end he will always because he wears my parents and I down enough. And sometimes I think he knows it. Sometimes i think he uses that to get what he wants. And if I’m a horrible person for saying that them so be it. Anyway, I will fully admit what I did is wrong. I snapped my mom s head off for what they did when he was like that. And I KNOW I am a horrible person I know how bad I messed up. But I am not mad at myself for it because she let him win. She let them hurt me by screaming and he got what he wanted. Yesterday I ended up hunched over holding my head. Trying to cope with the yelling. And they got mad at me they said it wasn’t like I was being beaten. Expect I was. Because mentally that is the same as beating me. With what it does to My head, it is basically being hit. So for them to say that and for them to plain and simple just not care or understand me….it hurts like a thousand knives in my soul. It feels like they rip my heart out when I just blend into the shadows. When i am invisible to them.  When I get snapped out because I am not normal. I am not perfect. I am a kid with asd. So yes, while im not being beaten, I am still being hurt. And they don’t see that.

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