Long time no see! Sorry guys I’ve been at camp, and then I was recuperating from that and freaking out about school, and now I’m in school.  Which, it turns out, so far, I didn’t need to be freaked out about! anyway, as an apology for my long absence you guys get lots of talking, and some stories, and some advice, and a book review! sort of.  not sure how reviewish (apparently not a word) it is but…anyway.  So, with school starting and all, I’ve been having increased issues with anxiety.  After last year and all, and how bad that got…I was for obvious reasons fearful about this year.  For some reason my head kept going to this quote I like from the book The Fault In Our Stars. Augustus says, “I fear oblivion.  I fear it like the proverbial blind man who’s afraid of the dark.”  Now, I can basically guarantee you are now all asking, what the hell does a quote about oblivion have to do with anxiety?!?  Well, its like this.  When Augustus says that, he isn’t saying he fears the literal oblivion.  He is saying he fears something that there is no way to change.  So, I think, he is really using oblivion as a placeholder for his fear of things he can not change.  Some day, we will not exist in this world.  We can not escape oblivion. This is known.  Just like for a blind man, he lives in darkness. He lives in what he fears.  He can not escape it. Did that make any sense at all? I hope it did because I seriously love that quote.  Anyway, I have now been in school for a week.  its ben good so far.  But I have noticed something in myself that saddens me.  I isolate myself, even now, in a place that so far is ok.  I put myself in seclusion in my own head out of the blind panicked fear of pain after last year.  I have become so used to not being able to or, supposed to talk to people, that I don’t want to talk to people and that frustrates me.  When I want to say something but I can’t.  It makes me want to scream.  I guess I just have to re teach myself how to do this.  How to not be so scared.  IT SUCKS guys.  Its horrible.  Another thing I have noticed, when I am stressed, which means semi-often, I have issues sleeping.  When I have issues sleeping, my anxiety gets worse.  When my anxiety gets worse, I get more stressed.  Bit of an annoying cycle that is also a bit hard to get out of.  On a plus note I have horseback riding this weekend!!!  (see my previous posts on animals and riding)  Well, to be accurate, I have a show this weekend! I have riding thursday.  Excited.  Riding always makes me feel better than anything else in the world.  I love it.  It is free and open and joyfully exciting.


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