Words

Sometimes I feel like I have a black hole in my soul, sucking everything in.  My emotions and my heart and everything that makes me, me, sucked away and gone.  It is a disheartening feeling. It is very incredibly hard.  Sometimes, I want to hide myself away and not come out.  Sometimes, I want to curl up in a ball and sleep for a year.  Sometimes, I do not understand why the world sees me as they do.  I do not understand the social code that says so many things I do and say are wrong. I try to understand it I really do but I can’t.  I don’t know how to see what they see in the world or to hear what they mean in their words.  That is why I write.  In writing I can express myself.  In writing I can be free.  In writing I can show myself in a way I am not really able to verbally. I can put down my thoughts and me fears and my experiences.  This helps me.  I have noticed something in writing recently.  So so so many books use the R-word.  This frustrates me.  Not only are those people who write that word down or approve of it being approving a derogatory and discriminatory word, but kids read these books.  Kids learn from these books.  And kids who read that word learn it.  They say hey, if it’s used in this book or that book or whatever, it must be ok for me to use.  That just makes more people who feel that using that word is ok.  That frustrates me.  Shouldn’t my generation be learning this word is not ok, not that it is? I guess a lot of people don’t see it that way.  In software applications we have to write a letter to a company we admire.  I am so torn on where to write to…I wish the mighty had a physical address so I could do that.  I want to do the puzzle cafe, a cafe that supports jobs for people with asd or other disabilities.  But…I’m scared.  I don’t know how to send this guys. But I am.  And but I did.  So…we will see how this goes (I’ll post the letter later because I’m on a horrible Macbook and don’t have it handy.)  If I get a response, you shall know about it.  School has been…decent this year.  There is this one person in my Spanish class who HATES me for some reason.  Like, she spent an entire class telling me to shut up and swearing at me and calling me a b..ch.   She also threatened me repeatedly, saying she would slap me to pieces. Not fun.I still do not understand how people can enjoy being so mean to people.  I don’t get it guys I really don’t.

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