A letter

To the parents who don’t understand me during the holidays:

I don’t blame you.  That’s what I want to say first.  I do not blame you for not understanding how I feel because I do not understand it half the time.  I do not blame you for saying I am rude, or for  getting angry at me.  I just wish you understood that however angry you are at me, I am probably five, ten, fifteen times angrier at myself.  I wish I could be what you wanted during the holidays, because more than ANYTHING I want to be able to sit around, relax, chat with our family.  And I do.  A lot of the time, I do.  But, when I can’t, I literally can not.  I don’t know how to explain this but I am going to try ok.  Imagine you are sitting in a five foot by five foot room.  The room is full of people.  By full, I mean that there is no room to move.  Also, all of these people are yelling at the top of their lungs.  When you go to try and leave the room, people stand in the doorway and block you with harsh words and push you away.  It is as not fun as it sounds.  But I do it. I do it for you guys, so that I can get through the holiday and make you happy.  And then I go home and take at least a day to come back from it.  It takes that long to convince my brain that we can come back from that amount of overload.  If I had my say, I dont know what I would do.  Well, yes.  I know what I would do.

That isn’t the only reason that holidays are not the easiest time for me.  As I know you are well aware, you expect me to socialize for the entire time with people who I often don’t see for most of the year.  I struggle with this in general because I am not overly adept at small talk.  I struggle to keep up with their conversations and often can not, resulting in what you call my being anti-social or rude.  I do not mean to appear as such.  I put a lot of effort every time into trying to converse with our family, and I do for a while.  But please don’t expect me to be able to spend the entire time talking to people.  Imagine each time you wanted to talk to someone you didn’t know how they were saying something or if they were talking to you or not or what you should say in return.  This is what it is like for me.  I am horrible at comprehending how people in general mean what they say, and this makes conversations very difficult for me to follow.  That is why I chose to not spend the whole time conversing, it is exhausting and I would be a mess by the end.

All in all, I guess what I am trying to tell you guys is that I do try.  The way I act on holidays is me being self-preservative in order to allow us to have an overall happier holiday.  If you don’t believe me, there are a great deal of articles on the internet that you can read.  Just please, please do not judge me for who I am.  I enjoy spending time with our family, I really do, but I also enjoy not ending up overloaded and exhausted.  So, when I don’t talk to people the whole time or I walk away from the group, it is not me being rude.  It is not me being anti-social.  It is me trying to digest the hundreds of signals that I am getting at once it is me trying to not make a fool of myself in a conversation or trying to take a minute to tell my body to breathe.  If you guys still won’t accept that, it isn’t my fault.  I don’t want to sacrifice all of our happiness this christmas to fit into the social norm.  I try and make it through it all, as does my brother, so that you guys can have a good time.  Let me.  Please.  Let me

Love,

Your Daughter

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