A letter to the past.

A letter to myself, as I learned who I was.

Hello Abby!  I know you are feeling scared right now, but believe me.  You are going to be ok.  I know you just found out that we have autism.  It’s probably scary.  But, believe me, we are going to make it.  Right now, you probably don’t even know what this means.  You’ll go home and research it.  I would say not to, but it won’t stop you so, don’t take it too much.  The information you read is an overview of autistic people.  It is not who you are.  You don’t have to try and fit yourself in a box or try to mold yourself into a box or a shape where you don’t feel like you fit.

Im not going to say people aren’t going to push you cause, they will.  They always will.  People don’t understand that you may not want to fit yourself into their molds.  They want you to want to be the same as them.  Even now, as I sit here, I have read and heard several things in the last few days about how we need to cure autism and it just makes me pause and thing why.  And I know that is how you feel right now.  Why is this happening to you.  Why can’t you be normal, as you always fought to pass as, as you push your tears away to allow yourself to keep up the mask that keeps you hidden from them, their eyes sliding through you like you aren’t even there, as if you are just part of the illusion they see every day.  And I know you make yourself part of that illusion, you hide yourself in their taunts and whispers so that you can look as normal as possible.  You don’t have to do that.  And yes, I know, you aren’t going to listen to me because what 12 year old listens to anyone, but hey, might as well try.

I have one more thing to tell you.  Your parents, our parents, are not exactly going to be the most supportive people.  They try to, they do.  But they aren’t going to understand you very well.  Nobody is.  You are going to have friends who drift away, who can’t understand  who you are and yeah, its going to hurt.  And what people call you is going to hurt.  I know you dont understand why they are cruel to you.  I know you dont know how to make it stop.  And I still dont know.  Because the human species is confusing.  They are hard to read, and they change so constantly that it is difficult to keep up.  And it hurts.  And you’re going to feel like everything in the world is painful for you.  And it might just be.  But its not forever.  You are going to be ok.  I promise.      Sincerely,

Who we are now.

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